Monday, December 25, 2006

Driving in 'the Greatest City in America'.

A little Google-narcissism brings to my attention that this blog is not the first to label the city 'Baltiless'. A still pertinent article from April lets someone else help in channeling the misery:

Having only experienced the joy of the Greatest City in America since September, I can't even imagine what the author went through after two years.

By far, the most on-point gripe is that of traffic. Now what is this, Baltiless? This ain't no literacy - we already know that 20% of residents read at or below a 5th grade level. These are driving skills. This should be instinct. We've already covered the abandoned cars, but even before they're tossed aside like glass roses after a kickin' Baltiless party, these cars are a hazard. Red-light running? Gets done like it's a lucky charm. The rule of the road seems to be that cops admire the cockiness it takes to blow through a red light without even speeding up enough that they are loathe to pull you over for it.

In fact, the more I think about, the more I'm thinking this might be actually be the law in Baltiless. Not only is it done at every intersection every time ever always, but the one time I tried to blend in with the populace and run one of my own I was cut down by the man. Must have been the Virginia plates. Even if those hadn't betrayed my outsider status, he could probably sense my indecision. Luckily, despite the egregious nature of the offense, he didn't give me a ticket, but did give me more than a warning. His advice, shouted threateningly through the car window at the next stoplight?

"The first car through the light after it turns red? I can overlook. The second one? I can overlook. But three is too much. Don't run red lights in my town."

...Or, more accurately I suppose, at least be sure you are one of the first two cars to run the red light in his town.

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